I love to live, but there are some things about living that I am finding particularly hard to deal with.

1. The meaning of all of this

2. Money/Work

3. Love

I love living, but what is it that I love about it? Where do I find meaning and is that my meaning? Do other people have a meaning exclusive of mine? People often talk about the obscure meaning of life- I think that those who are truly happy have found it. What is their story? My thoughts: there is no one meaning. Each of us has our own and the sooner you find it the happier you are. You can finally be content with who you are, what you have done, and what you are doing. Now, I love to live, but I am still unsettled with some aspects of life, therefore if I am to follow my theory, I have yet to find my meaning.

So I have begun a quest to find my meaning. In fact, my quest began in the summer of 2001 as I set out on a year of traveling. Unfortunately, I did not find the meaning to life. I did find out more about myself and my quest continues albeit with more questions.

This leads me to my next area of life that is currently unsettling: money and working.

I just recently had lunch with an old friend from high school. We sat down together and asked each other some hard questions like what do you like about your job? If you could do anything for a living what would you do? Where do you see yourself in five years- in terms of geography, career and relationships? He mentioned that money, for the first time, was a major issue. It makes life easier, but he has found that most people he knows who have a lot of it are a “slave to their jobs”. Where is the balance in that? I would be happiest volunteering my time and money away, but I must work to make money to pay my bills. This leaves me little time and money to volunteer to others.

I’m a Libra and I have always believed that balance is the key, but if you look at the scales, balance is a very precarious state. To find balance you must try many different combinations, then when you have found it, any shift in that balance must be dealt with by an equal and opposing force—something that is not always possible in real life. Therefore, I am searching for something that I will enjoy doing, will add value to my meaning, but at the same time will not kill my passion for something that I love because it has become my job. This elusive balance must be part of the knowledge found by those who have found their meaning.

Once people have figured out what they like to do to earn the money necessary to lead the lifestyle that they are happiest leading they must conquer the final key to the equation: Love. It is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the meaning of life. Although love can be found in many different kinds of relationships—and all of your relationships should be healthy in order to achieve your balance in life—I have chosen to focus on the love you find between two people who have decided to be together for the rest of their lives because it is confusing me right now. I want to know what kind of love that is and how I know if I have it.

To date I have fallen in love twice. Each episode is distinct and I would characterize them as different loves-probably because of my age. My first love I met in high school. We were an item for six years. I never truly knew if I could marry him and in the end that doubt made me want to see if there was a different kind of love out there. Four months later I jumped into another committed relationship with a guy I had known from my work-study job at college. I jumped because even though I was not looking for a relationship, that did not mean that one could not find me. But there was just something there that I could not ignore.

This relationship is different from the high school sweetheart. It is intense, but not the at-16 kind of intense. We connect on many different levels. He has a deep spiritual side to him that makes me think about my spirituality. He is genuinely intelligent and interested in many of the same things that I am. And physically our energies came together in the most awe-inspiring manor. I knew from the minute I met him that he was “marriage material” although at the time I didn’t realize that I was talking about myself. He has made an effort to get to know me better than I know myself. He doesn’t push preconceived notions or his visions of me onto me. And his kiss confirmed everything. Still I have a level head and I never believed in “that feeling” until now, which leads me to doubt it especially since we live 4 hours away from each other.

Things are not perfect. They rarely are. So I am wondering how far can this love thing take you? I am six months out of school, substitute teaching at an inner city high school trying to find meaning in my life with out a career for stability or my “soul mate” to make me sleep easier at night. I wonder how long things will last, if the distance will tear us apart. How much does circumstance play a role in how far a relationship can go? When do you know you have found “forever”? In the end I may never be able to answer these questions. Perhaps I will have to start trusting the feelings that I get, and maybe in time I will be able to express those feeling with words.

All in all, this is what I love about life. Life makes me work for what I want. Even though it would be far easier to have a crystal ball to see if I ever reach my “self actualization” that Maslow speaks of, none of my achievements would be worth anything without the gut wrenching decisions and hard work that I put into achieving them. Ultimately, I am an optimist and I know that it will all work out. Love is tricky and contradictory, but it makes life interesting, hard, and worth it.

Melissa Bator